I came across this e-mail which I had recieved from my mom about her friend's friend who is a lady called Siew May. She has just conquered her physical disabilities (Cerebal Palsy) and all that life has dealt her but she also came out of each challenge stronger each time, each "wall" despite her fears. It is a very inspirational book from what I have read so far and please do give me comments so i can let her know what you the people who read this thinks.
Preface
Breaking Down The Walls
My reasons for writing this book:
I used to be very scared of going out into the world. I hated the looks I had to face and the treatment I received for being different. For many years I stayed within the protection of the imaginary shelter I had constructed, keeping myself away from what I wanted to create in my life.
By writing this book, I want to share my story. Many people turn me away because of my condition. I feel sad when people judge me by my looks and the way I speak. That is very hurtful and discouraging. For a while, I thought that life was very unfair to people who are physically handicapped. Then, I realized that I was crippled, not by my disability, but by self-pity. I know many of my friends face the same issues. Those who are handicapped and poor have to stay home the whole time. They just get by. They cannot walk or talk and life is miserable for their families and themselves. It is total darkness for them. They do not have the courage to face the world. All they can do is wish for a miracle that somehow, someday, somewhere, someone would help them.
Being disabled is not a sin. We did not choose to be born thus. I wish to create an awareness of the difficulties faced by people with disabilities in the area of employment. By sharing my personal experiences, I hope to reach out to employers and to appeal to them to be more open in employing people with disabilities. Disabled does not mean unable. Given an opportunity and with good support, people with disabilities can prove to be a valuable contributor to both economy and society.
I hope that more people will become aware of the needs of disabled people, and that with time Singapore will become a more disabled friendly society. Sometime, when I am out with friends who are wheelchair bound, we find it hard to move around. Even toilets meant for the disabled are often locked. IG we work to make our environment more disabled friendly, it will also benefit other groups in society, such as the elderly.
I also wish to send a message to parents with special needs children that there is hope. Each child is capable in his or her own way, if given an equal chance to learn. With much care, love and encouragement, he or she can be someone that you can be proud of. All that is needed is a little more time and patience. By sharing my experiences, I hope to create a more loving and sensitive world. I believe that love can bring light to darkness and create a miracle.
I know I have gotten out of FEAR and I now lead the kind of life that I want. I learned that if I keep comparing myself with others, I would always be unhappy. People may put me down but I know that ultimately, it is up to me. I need to help myself before anyone can help me. One of my dreams is to help people to see light in life. I wish to be successful in every aspect of life so that I can inspire my friends who are destined to walk this same road as me. I wish to be able to help them overcome the fear of facing the real world. I believe everyone has love within his or her heart. Do not hide your love. Spread the love in your hearts and make the lives of others a colorful one!
Oh Siew May
A percentage of the proceeds from the sale of this book will be donated to the Spastic Children’s Association of Singapore.
What is Cerebral Palsy?
Cerebral Palsy (CP) is a term used to describe a group of developmental disorders that result in physical impairment of various motor functions of the body. Damage is done to the developing brain of the child, either during the mother’s pregnancy, at birth or after, up to the age of about 3 years old. The exact causes of CP are still unknown.
CP is not a progressive disorder, meaning that the brain damage does not worsen over time. However, the person’s condition may worsen due to normal wear and tear of the body. These may sometimes be corrected by surgery. The intellectual potential of children with CP varies from case to case. There is usually some form of learning disability. However the child’s intelligence may vary from genius to mentally retarded. This can only usually be assessed when the child starts school. A common misconception about children with CP being less intelligent is not true, as areas of the brain that define intelligence are not affected by CP.
It is common for individuals with CP to lead normal lives. Most persons with CP can also expect to have a normal life expectancy.
Dr Kevin Loy. M.B.B.S Singapore, a general practitioner in private practice and a personal friend of Siew May’s, contributed to this information.
Cerebral Palsy Information
According to the Encyclopædia Britannica (retrieved November 13, 2008, from Encyclopædia Britannica Online Library Edition: http://library.ebonline.com/eb/article-9022137):
Cerebral Palsy is "a group of neurological disorders characterized by paralysis resulting from abnormal development of or damage to the brain either before birth or during the first years of life. There are four types of cerebral palsy: spastic, athetoid, ataxic, and mixed. ... Cerebral palsy does not necessarily include mental retardation... However, any cerebral disorder in early life may result in impairment, sometimes severe, of intellectual and emotional development....There is no cure for cerebral palsy... The basic program of treatment aims at the psychological management, education, and training of the child to develop sensory, motor, and intellectual assets, in order to compensate for the physical liabilities of the disorder."
Cerebral Palsy Resources
The Singapore Health Promotion Board provides an overview on cerebral palsy (www.hpb.gov.sg/hpb/default.asp?pg_id=865&aid=182).
The United States National Institute (http://www.ninds.nih.gov) of Neurological Diseases and Stroke has an information page on Cerebral Palsy (www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/cerebral_palsy/cerebral_palsy.htm).
The Spastic Children's Association of Singapore (SCAS), established in 1957, provides special education, rehabilitation services, vocational training and gainful employment for children and adults with cerebral palsy in Singapore. (www.spastic.org.sg)
The rainbow centre runs special education programmes for children age 2 to 18, and has an early intervention programme for children with cerebral palsy and multiple disabilities up to four years old. (http://www.rainbowcentre.org.sg)
Books on Cerebral Palsy
Cerebral palsy: a complete guide for caregiving by Freeman Miller, Steven J. Bachrach ; with Marilyn L. Boos ... [et al.]. Publisher: Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University Press, 1998, c1995.. Call no.: 618.92836 MIL -[HEA] (Only available at Toa Payoh Community Library)
Cerebral palsy by Barbara Sheen. Publisher: San Diego: Lucent Books, c2003. Call no.: Y English 616.836 SHE
Cerebral palsy by Ruth Bjorklund. Publisher: New York: Marshall Cavendish Benchmark, c2007. Call no.: J English 616.8 BJO
Research and information on cerebral palsy is provided by the National Library Board Singapore through the ASK! service.
Preface
Breaking Down The Walls
My reasons for writing this book:
I used to be very scared of going out into the world. I hated the looks I had to face and the treatment I received for being different. For many years I stayed within the protection of the imaginary shelter I had constructed, keeping myself away from what I wanted to create in my life.
By writing this book, I want to share my story. Many people turn me away because of my condition. I feel sad when people judge me by my looks and the way I speak. That is very hurtful and discouraging. For a while, I thought that life was very unfair to people who are physically handicapped. Then, I realized that I was crippled, not by my disability, but by self-pity. I know many of my friends face the same issues. Those who are handicapped and poor have to stay home the whole time. They just get by. They cannot walk or talk and life is miserable for their families and themselves. It is total darkness for them. They do not have the courage to face the world. All they can do is wish for a miracle that somehow, someday, somewhere, someone would help them.
Being disabled is not a sin. We did not choose to be born thus. I wish to create an awareness of the difficulties faced by people with disabilities in the area of employment. By sharing my personal experiences, I hope to reach out to employers and to appeal to them to be more open in employing people with disabilities. Disabled does not mean unable. Given an opportunity and with good support, people with disabilities can prove to be a valuable contributor to both economy and society.
I hope that more people will become aware of the needs of disabled people, and that with time Singapore will become a more disabled friendly society. Sometime, when I am out with friends who are wheelchair bound, we find it hard to move around. Even toilets meant for the disabled are often locked. IG we work to make our environment more disabled friendly, it will also benefit other groups in society, such as the elderly.
I also wish to send a message to parents with special needs children that there is hope. Each child is capable in his or her own way, if given an equal chance to learn. With much care, love and encouragement, he or she can be someone that you can be proud of. All that is needed is a little more time and patience. By sharing my experiences, I hope to create a more loving and sensitive world. I believe that love can bring light to darkness and create a miracle.
I know I have gotten out of FEAR and I now lead the kind of life that I want. I learned that if I keep comparing myself with others, I would always be unhappy. People may put me down but I know that ultimately, it is up to me. I need to help myself before anyone can help me. One of my dreams is to help people to see light in life. I wish to be successful in every aspect of life so that I can inspire my friends who are destined to walk this same road as me. I wish to be able to help them overcome the fear of facing the real world. I believe everyone has love within his or her heart. Do not hide your love. Spread the love in your hearts and make the lives of others a colorful one!
Oh Siew May
A percentage of the proceeds from the sale of this book will be donated to the Spastic Children’s Association of Singapore.
What is Cerebral Palsy?
Cerebral Palsy (CP) is a term used to describe a group of developmental disorders that result in physical impairment of various motor functions of the body. Damage is done to the developing brain of the child, either during the mother’s pregnancy, at birth or after, up to the age of about 3 years old. The exact causes of CP are still unknown.
CP is not a progressive disorder, meaning that the brain damage does not worsen over time. However, the person’s condition may worsen due to normal wear and tear of the body. These may sometimes be corrected by surgery. The intellectual potential of children with CP varies from case to case. There is usually some form of learning disability. However the child’s intelligence may vary from genius to mentally retarded. This can only usually be assessed when the child starts school. A common misconception about children with CP being less intelligent is not true, as areas of the brain that define intelligence are not affected by CP.
It is common for individuals with CP to lead normal lives. Most persons with CP can also expect to have a normal life expectancy.
Dr Kevin Loy. M.B.B.S Singapore, a general practitioner in private practice and a personal friend of Siew May’s, contributed to this information.
Cerebral Palsy Information
According to the Encyclopædia Britannica (retrieved November 13, 2008, from Encyclopædia Britannica Online Library Edition: http://library.ebonline.com/eb/article-9022137):
Cerebral Palsy is "a group of neurological disorders characterized by paralysis resulting from abnormal development of or damage to the brain either before birth or during the first years of life. There are four types of cerebral palsy: spastic, athetoid, ataxic, and mixed. ... Cerebral palsy does not necessarily include mental retardation... However, any cerebral disorder in early life may result in impairment, sometimes severe, of intellectual and emotional development....There is no cure for cerebral palsy... The basic program of treatment aims at the psychological management, education, and training of the child to develop sensory, motor, and intellectual assets, in order to compensate for the physical liabilities of the disorder."
Cerebral Palsy Resources
The Singapore Health Promotion Board provides an overview on cerebral palsy (www.hpb.gov.sg/hpb/default.asp?pg_id=865&aid=182).
The United States National Institute (http://www.ninds.nih.gov) of Neurological Diseases and Stroke has an information page on Cerebral Palsy (www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/cerebral_palsy/cerebral_palsy.htm).
The Spastic Children's Association of Singapore (SCAS), established in 1957, provides special education, rehabilitation services, vocational training and gainful employment for children and adults with cerebral palsy in Singapore. (www.spastic.org.sg)
The rainbow centre runs special education programmes for children age 2 to 18, and has an early intervention programme for children with cerebral palsy and multiple disabilities up to four years old. (http://www.rainbowcentre.org.sg)
Books on Cerebral Palsy
Cerebral palsy: a complete guide for caregiving by Freeman Miller, Steven J. Bachrach ; with Marilyn L. Boos ... [et al.]. Publisher: Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University Press, 1998, c1995.. Call no.: 618.92836 MIL -[HEA] (Only available at Toa Payoh Community Library)
Cerebral palsy by Barbara Sheen. Publisher: San Diego: Lucent Books, c2003. Call no.: Y English 616.836 SHE
Cerebral palsy by Ruth Bjorklund. Publisher: New York: Marshall Cavendish Benchmark, c2007. Call no.: J English 616.8 BJO
Research and information on cerebral palsy is provided by the National Library Board Singapore through the ASK! service.
Suggested Title: Scaling Walls – My Story
Concept
The wall is a central metaphor for Siew May’s story. Essentially, the trials she has experienced in her life are like walls she has had to climb. Her disability, in her younger days, was like a wall between her and the rest of the world. In overcoming her fears (which are like the walls in her mind), she scaled those walls and made connection with the world. When she encounters prejudice and ignorance, those are the walls that society builds to exclude people who are different from the majority. Her friends, and her faith are the helping hands in the cover picture giving her that push up the wall.
About Siew May
Oh Siew May was born in 1971 with cerebal palsy, a dis-order that affects muscular control and body movements, due to injury to the brain before, during, or in the first few months of birth. She has problems controlling some of her body movements and her speech is not as clear as she finds it difficult to pronounce some words. The youngest in a family of five children, she gew up in a village in the Eastern part of Singapore. She attended the Spastic Children's Association School. Despite family and financial difficulties, she was able to complete her Primary School Leaving Examinations. She went onto earn her 'N' Levels certificate at St Hilda's Secondary School. She has worked at many jobs, including running her own push-cart business in a shopping mall, and as an employee at a Cold Storage supermarket. She currently works as a general clerk, handling data entry, filing and accounts, for a renovation company. One of her greatest achievements is climbing Mount Kinabalu in Sabah, Malaysia, one of the tallest mountains in Southeast Asia, in April 2005. This book is about the walls she had come up against, and had to scale or break down, to live a full life. Apart from her disability, she has also faced family tragedies, social prejudice, and many personal challeneges, the greatest of which is her own fear. By sharing her story, she hopes to encourage other disabled people to find he light in their lives, as she has done. She also wants to give hope to parents of children with special needs, and sent a message to employers to be more open to hiring disabled people. She has struggled to attend a 'normal' school and make her own living at 'normal' jobs. But her story and spirit are nothing less then extraordinary.
Chapter One
Within Four Walls
I lived in an old attap house in a small kampong near Changi Village when I was young. I was born with cerebral palsy. I have always suspected that this was due to an unsuccessful attempt by my mum to abort me. But I have never been able to find out for sure.
I am the youngest in the family. I have three elder sisters and a brother. My second sister, Siew Hwa, who is nine years older than me, married when she was still very young, at the age of 17. My brother-in-law’s mother didn’t like my sister so they had to move out after staying with her husband’s family for a year. She and her husband then came to live with us. As for my eldest sister, Siew Gweek, she was already working when I was a child. She is 12 years older than me. She started working at a very young age so that she could help ease my dad’s burden. My brother, the eldest of the siblings, was then serving his last year of National Service. Da Ge is 15 years my senior.
In my family, love was not shown. So as I grew up, I never knew how to show love and never felt like I received any love.
During those times, we lived with our grandmother, who was more than 60 years old then. She and my mum both doted on my brother. They both loved him very much and whenever he came back home from camp, they would cook the best food for him. They would reserve the chicken drumstick and his favorite dishes for him. I was only eight then but I remember being very jealous. I felt like Cinderella who was being ill-treated by her stepmother and stepsisters.
“That is unfair!” I protested and Mum would scold me. “What is unfair? Your brother needs a lot of nutrition,” she said. Then she would go on, but I did not really understand what she was saying. Sometimes, I would steal food from the table and hide in a corner to eat. I guess I was very mischievous at that time. My mum would get upset and beat me for being greedy. I was very sad and heart broken that my own mother would treat me like that.
At the age of six, my third sister, Siew Eng, had a high fever when she was left under the care of an aunt. It was then that tragedy struck. No one knew she was in the throes of a high fever that never broke. The fever consumed her hope of a normal life. My parents were devastated when they found out she had become mentally retarded. From then on, she needed extra care. This became an additional burden on my dad. I was just born then. Siew Eng is six years older than me. I remember she would make a lot of funny noises when she was at home. She would sometimes be naked, and lost in her own fantasy world. She could not bathe herself nor make food for herself. We always had to make sure there was food at home before we went out.
Kampong Memories
My dad, Oh Yong Hor, was a basket weaver then and my family was poor. My village was famous for rearing pigs, ducks, chicken and fishes. It took 30 minutes to walk from the main road to the village, and there were very few lampposts along the road. The farmers needed baskets for their poultry. Dad would go around taking orders for his hand-made baskets. He also reared pigs, ducks and chickens at home for sale. That was how he kept my family going.
As a special child, I always stayed by my dad’s side while he weaved the cane baskets. I would play with the canes and make a mess of them. My dad never screamed at me. While he worked, I would learn how to walk and talk alone in the open space next to my house.
I would often have bruises all over my legs when I was practicing walking. My dad was a chain smoker. He smoked while he was weaving the baskets, leaving the cigarette butts on the ground. There were many times, as I was playing near my dad, that I would get either my feet or my bottom burnt by the cigarette butts. I would then cry out loud.
“What happened?” my dad asked anxiously. ”Pain! My feet got burnt!” I cried. He did not understand what I was trying to say at first. I was crying and making a big fuss over my feet. Then, suddenly, I had a brainwave. I lifted my foot up and showed it to him. He then understood me.” Ha! Ha!” he laughed at me. “I have told you many times, don’t come near me when I am working,” he said. I continued to cry. My dad had no choice but to stop what he was doing. He carried me and applied some Colgate toothpaste on my wound before continuing his work. I stopped crying after a while. Being mischievous, I resumed my “cane game” and messed up my dad‘s weaving materials again.
I was very slow in walking and also in speech. I did not have friends as not many children in the village wanted to play with me. I struggled with this throughout my childhood. They stared at me and mocked me when they saw me on the street. Some would make fun of the way I walk, as I would fall like Humpty Dumpty. Some would imitate and laugh at the way I talk. I was afraid to go out and even to talk to people. It was not a good feeling at all when that happened. Most of the time my parents were busy so I would be left alone. My only adventure was to play with the animals. Sometimes, I would go around the village searching for lost chicks or ducklings.
I remember one incident very clearly. One fine afternoon, I was coming home from the market with my dad. I was riding with him on his bicycle and suddenly, out of the bushes there appeared a hen with a few chicks behind it. I immediately asked my dad to stop the bicycle. ”Papa, stop the bicycle. I want to walk home by myself,” I said with a big smile.
Quickly hopping down, I waved goodbye to my dad as he cycled away. “Yoo hoo!” I screamed and ran straight into the bushes and started looking for the chicks. I ran fast and fell many times but I did not realize my leg was bleeding. I guess I was going all out to look for my dear chicks. All I wanted was to bring them home so that I could play with them. I was very determined and only thought about how much I wanted to be with them
I heard a chirping sound towards the far end of the bushes. My heart beat faster as the sound drew nearer. I laughed with joy when I caught one. I felt very happy that day. I went home and secretly hid the little chick in my room. The next day the owner came looking for the chick. I had to return it to him. He had seen me when I was chasing the chicks. I was sad and my dad was very angry. He reprimanded me. I knew I was wrong but I was young and playful, just like the other children.
I never brought chickens home again, but animals were still my best mates. I loved animals, especially the babies. Often, I would secretly go into our farm to play with the geese. ”Oh no!” They started chasing me once they saw me. I was so scared. I screamed and yelled, ”Help!” It was only after half an hour, that my mum came to my rescue. She scolded me. She didn’t know I was hurt. I did not dare to tell her that the goose bit me. The pain was unbearable and I had big bruises on my knees. I kept falling as I was running. My legs were very weak then.
At the age of nine, I got a deep cut while I was trying to catch some wild chicks. There was a lot of blood on my leg, but I did not tell my parents. I knew that if I told them, they would nag at me. I dressed my leg myself and let it heal by itself. It took two weeks for the wound to heal completely. I loved adventure. Although I was weak since birth, I never liked to be treated differently. I practiced walking from the day I took my first step. I would fall many times. My legs were always full of bruises. I started gaining confidence each time I got up after falling. I was determined to lead a normal life like many children did.
There were a few fruit trees near my house. Climbing trees and eating the fruits on the top of the branches was one of the most exciting things to do. I would ask my second sister, Siew Hwa, to help me and together we would enjoy the fresh rambutans from the tree.
Kampong life was very carefree. It was fun and I felt happy. At the age of eight, I enjoyed every adventure I had with blissful ignorance. There were some unforgettable memories, especially when it rained. My house was at the bottom of the hill. When it rained, the rainwater would flow downhill. We’d be thrilled when the dogs started barking at the big fishes in the drain right outside the house. The rainwater had caused the fishpond further uphill to overflow. Siew Eng and I would wade into the rainwater to catch the fishes alongside our two dogs, Bobby and Xiao Bai. After the rain, we would go to the riverside to catch more fish.
Kampong Life Ended; Tough Times Began
Sometime in the year 1980, the Housing Development Board took over the land my kampong was on to build flats. My dad knew that if we planted many fruit trees, we would get more money in compensation. He did that and was paid a huge sum of money.
We had to leave the kampong and move into a HDB apartment in Tampines. But we were all very happy then as we thought the new environment would be cleaner and more hygienic. At the same time, it was sad to leave the village too. It was my home, and I had a fair share of both good and bad memories there.
Life should have been better, with the compensation money and a new home. Unfortunately, I had a brother who was very ambitious. He always wanted to earn a lot of money. Back in the village, he mixed with bad company. I wasn’t sure when he started to gamble. All I knew was that whenever he came home, it was with the intention of borrowing money from one of us, usually from my mum and dad. They doted on my brother a lot. I guess that was natural as he was their only son.
My mum earned a small income washing clothes for some of the villagers and dad gave her some money for housekeeping. She gave them to Da Ge whenever he asked. She would even empty my savings box and give him all the money in it. That was my pocket money from my dad, which he gave to me every day for school. I didn’t eat so I could save the money but it was gone when I came home from school one day. I felt mad and sad. I had no rights at home, being the youngest.
My brother got married and had two kids. He was not a responsible husband and dad to his family. My dad took on the burden of helping his family. His wife once wanted to divorce him but in the end, she did not have the heart to do so. I guess she still loved him. I felt sorry for her because she had to raise two young children by herself. It was not easy. Ever since my brother started gambling, there was always chaos at home.
There was one incident that made a great impact on me. My brother was home for dinner and he wanted to borrow a huge sum of money from my dad. He knew that my dad had savings and at the same time had just received the compensation money from HDB. My dad refused because it was too large a sum. Suddenly, my brother got mad. He banged his fist on the table loudly. I was so scared I ran into my room and hid under my bed. From there, I heard every single word that they exchanged. There was vulgar language. My brother was really out of his mind. He wanted to hit my dad. Everyone was crying and shouting at the same time. I rushed out from under the bed to stop Da Ge. I pushed my way through between him and my dad, and separated them. They stopped fighting but the situation was so tense that my neighbors had to come to help mediate. We were all overwhelmed by the fear and helplessness. I was so horrified and downcast that night I could not sleep. The frightening scene kept playing itself out in my mind.
I felt sad for my parents. In the end, my brother left the house. The next morning he came home again. Being a softhearted man, my dad gave him the money and helped him to clear his debts. But that was just the beginning of a horrible nightmare. My brother did not learn his lesson and in his greed, sunk deeper into the addiction of gambling. He got himself into more debt and subsequently even borrowed money from loan sharks.
From then on my house was no longer peaceful. There were loan sharks banging on our door all the time. It was a harrowing experience, to have two gangsters shouting outside the door for my brother. I was terrified and opened the door slowly. My hands felt cold and I was shivering. I opened the door just a crack and peeped through. ”He is no longer staying here!” I said, trembling. The men then said, ”You better ask him to be careful and ask him to pay the debt of $10,000 or else he will be dead!” They left eventually, but not before making a mess outside my home. I shut the door immediately, then bolted, and locked it. Only my mum and I were at home then.
These incidents lasted until we moved into our new apartment. The tough times were beginning. Our apartment was not fully paid for yet and my dad had given most of his money to Da Ge. In the end, my eldest sister, Siew Gweek had to pay for the new apartment with money from her Central Provident Fund account.
I can only imagine how she must have felt having to shoulder the family’s financial burden while my brother squandered whatever little we had. They had a showdown one day, when he came to ask for money again. She was at home while my dad was out working. They sat down and chatted. All of a sudden, the sound of angry voices grew louder and they began to argue vehemently.
”You are inhuman! You took all of dad’s money and now you come here to ask for more!” screamed my sister.
“If I had a choice, I will never have to ask from you all!” replied my brother. “I have nowhere else to turn to! If I don’t pay them the money as soon as possible, they will kill me!”
“Dad has no money left! All his hard-earned money was taken by you!” shouted my sister.
I felt helpless. I was trying to think of how to make peace but before I could do anything, it happened and it was too late for me to stop it from happening. He hit her on the arm with a chair. From that day on, he left the house and disappeared from our lives. I hated him very much then. I told myself I would never forgive him. I have no such brother. I cried. I felt hurt. I used to love him so much. He has disappointed me and filled my heart with hatred. I felt like there was no love in my family.
Everything went wrong after we moved into the new apartment. Our grandmother fell very sick. Now we had to take care of both her and my third sister. It was tough. Though I was only 11 at that time, I tried my best to help out at home.
It was harder to take care of Siew Eng than my grandmother. She was quicker in her movements than I was. She liked to eat and she would stuff everything into her mouth. She would create a big mess in the house, throwing things around and out of her way when she felt like it. Sometimes, when she was not in a good mood, she would make a lot of noise with her hands and scream. When her temper became really bad, she would get very violent and throw things everywhere.
Sometimes, I felt very tired being where I was. I would ask God, “Why me? Why must I be in this home?” Sometimes, I felt like beating her, overwhelmed with frustration and anger when she got on my nerves. I would hate myself for having such evil thoughts after that. I felt so depressed and miserable at times. But I kept all my feelings to myself, as I didn’t want to add to my family’s troubles. I felt so heavily burdened and so terribly unloved.
After being bed ridden for three years, my grandmother, Sim Liap, passed away in 1985. It was a form of release for her and a tremendous relief for my family then. When she died, my brother was not there to help or pay his last respects.
Chapter Two
Beyond The Wall
Life became tougher as I grew older. I became more aware of what was happening around me, and as a result, became more self-conscious. I kept thinking about how others would think of and look at me. Even the four walls of my home could not shield me completely from discrimination.
Once, I was left alone at home and the phone rang. I had no choice but to answer. When I picked up the phone, I tried to speak as clearly as I could. The man on the other end sounded very impatient and asked if I was fooling around. “Are you mad? Are you a mute?” he said. He was just a stranger trying to sell something over the phone, but I still felt really hurt. He continued saying nasty things to me. After I hung up, I asked myself: “Do I have a choice being the way I am? Why was I born into this world?” I cried secretly, and not a single soul knew that I was hurting inside.
A New Beginning
At the age of seven, my mother sent me to school. She had a hard time looking for a school for me because I was a special child. Not a single normal school would accept me. Finally, a doctor from the Singapore General Hospital recommended the Spastic Children‘s Association School. I did not fully understand then why I was placed there.
At that school, I went for speech therapy and physiotherapy. I desperately wanted and was determined to improve. The school’s emphasis was on helping students take care of their own wellbeing rather than on their studies. So we were taught how to take care of ourselves. We learned to cook, sew and do some technical work. We also studied English, Mathematics and Science, but not second language.
It was a warm place because we had peace of mind being there. I felt protected and safe in that school and had some great times there. I was comfortable there because most of the students were alike. I guess we were in the same boat. Some had very severe disabilities; some were born deaf and dumb, and had to learn sign language. I was considered a ‘mild case’ by comparison. Some who had low mental faculties could not think for themselves. Others were physically handicapped. They couldn’t walk and talk.
I started making friends and we shared a strong bond. We helped one another when there was a lack of volunteers. There was a time when my friend needed to go to the toilet. She was born disabled. Her hands and legs are weak and she could not walk. But she had a very sweet voice that could charm a lot of people. There was no one around to help her. So another friend and myself pushed her to the toilet. I carried her by the arms and managed to help her relieve herself. It was quite fun but it was also dangerous. I almost fell down. Thank God it was just a close shave. I did not give it too much thought when I decided to help her. I just did it. But from then on, I was very careful each time I helped my friends who were wheelchair-bound. It was a loving and caring environment. The world outside, in comparison, was very cruel and harsh.
I was slow in my studies at times but I was determined to succeed. When my principal told us that she was looking for suitable candidates to sit for the Primary School Leaving Examinations (PSLE), I was hopeful. At that time, I was a newly converted Christian. I prayed to God to grant me my wish. I was thrilled to be picked. But one of the teachers said I was below the required standard. True enough, my Math and Science were only at Primary Four standard then. Two other classmates were also short listed as candidates. I told myself, “I will make it no matter what I need to do or how hard I need to work.” I told my principal I wanted to give it a shot. I was as relentless as the rain in a thunderstorm.
All I needed was someone who believed in me. And I was blessed because there was someone - a teacher named Miss Wong. She looked very fierce but deep within, she had a heart of gold. She was teaching in a sign language class. When she heard that we were taking the examinations, she offered to give us extra lessons. She went all the way to help the students, especially me, as I was way below the standard. She was patient and kind. Week after week for months, she tutored us and prepared examination papers from the previous years for us to practice. I also stayed up late to study every night.
I prayed all the time and I cried often as I confided in one of the brothers from church, because I was very stressed having to cope with the demands of looking after my family and attending to my studies at the same time.
Challenge
When I was at home, I had to take care of my mum. She developed a skin disease. The skin on her right leg was peeling off and it got infected. The wound grew bigger and the tissues could not heal. We had to take her to the hospital regularly. At one time, the hospital was just like our second home. This went on for years. We took her to many doctors but they could not help. Her condition deteriorated to a state where even her bone could be seen. Finally, we had no other choice but to have her leg amputated. She became wheelchair-bound. We could not afford a wheel chair so the church bought one for us. We had spent a lot of money on the medical bills. My second sister would occasionally come and help us out when my dad and I were out.
My mum was a very stubborn woman. She was strong-headed and refused to listen to us. She became very depressed and made herself miserable. She refused to exercise and very soon her condition got worse. Her body became stiffer and weaker, and she needed more and more assistance from us. After a few months, the amputated leg was infected again. My dad and I had to take turns to care for her.
On top of that, we still had to see to my retarded sister. Living in her own world, Siew Eng didn’t care much about what was happening around her. All she wanted was food and drink. She would throw unwanted food all over the place. Every time that happened, I would start to indulge in self-pity and be in a miserable state. I would start to question God. Many times I wished that I would be ‘carefree’ like Siew Eng. Deep down inside, I knew I was wrong to think this way. I knew I needed to be strong. I would not let anything stop me from achieving my dream.
Finally, after seven months, the day arrived. I was so nervous I broke out in a cold sweat. I went to the examination hall not knowing what to expect. All I knew was that I wanted to pass that examination. “God please help me to remember all that I learned and studied,” I prayed.
After a few months, the results were out. I was called to the principal’s office. At that moment, my heart was beating very fast, just like the ticking of the clock. As I sat down in front of the principal, my hands felt as cold as ice.
“Gal! Guess what!” asked the principal.
“I failed huh?” I replied. I was already feeling sad.
“Well! You made it my gal!” I could not believe my ears.
”What? Oh God! REALLY?” I was so shocked. My heart filled with joy and tears just flowed from my eyes.
I went to my class and told everyone my happy news. I also called my brother in church who had been praying for me. That night, I could not sleep. I was so thankful to God. If not for Him I would not have passed. I was also thankful to Miss Wong who had believed in me and given me all her time and patience. It was so amazing for me to pass the examination because initially, my standard was way below the required level. I was the only one to pass and gain entry into a normal secondary school. My two friends who also took the examination did not make it. One of them tried again the following year. I was very happy. At that time, I was only the second student from the Spastic Children’s Association School to pass the PSLE.
It was my dream to study in a normal school. I wanted to prove that people with disabilities could also do what they want. We should have dreams too. It all starts with a dream. Without dreams, life is meaningless.
A ‘Normal’ School
I was posted to St Hilda’s Secondary School. With my results, I was able to go to the Express stream. The principal, Mrs. Abraham, was a kind and understanding lady whom all the students loved.
On the first day, I was plunged into a totally different environment from what I was accustomed to. I was, as usual, the centre of attraction, being the only disabled student in that school. Some students stared hard at me; others stared as if in thought; some just looked and started laughing. I was scared and shivering in fear from being in a strange place. In the classroom, there was an ice-breaking session to get to know one another. I was worried as it was going to be my turn soon. My hands turned cold and I was tongue-tied. I stood up and introduced myself.
“Ah……...my … name is … Siew May,” I stammered, knowing that no one would understand me. I tried so hard. I felt so useless at that moment.
My teacher helped to explain what I was saying to the class. After the introductions, everyone started to talk to one another, except for me. I was left all alone. At that very moment, I felt coldness within my heart. I suddenly felt so lonely. I wondered if I made the right choice to come to a secondary school. Soon it was break time. Everyone had friends to accompany them to the canteen. Again, I was left alone. At the canteen, I was lost. I saw a classmate walking by, so I thought I would take the first step to make friends.
“Hi!” I said. He ran away. As he ran, he made fun of me: “Alien! Ghost!”
I felt a cutting pain in my heart. I asked myself: “Am I really an alien?” Self-pity and fear soon seized my heart. I ran to the washroom, hid inside and cried. I told myself I must be strong. That day I went home and cried secretly to myself. I did not want to worry my family and had to pretend as though nothing happened in school. I still had to take care of both my mum and sister. The next few days I dragged myself to school. I would not give up so easily. I would make extra effort to be friends with them.
I found a friend in Miss Sarah Yew. She was my best friend and teacher at St. Hilda’s Secondary School. She had a gentle, soft voice and was very friendly and kind. She said to me, ”When you need help, come and look for me.” At any time whenever life in school was tough, she was there, as a friend and listener. She would make time for me after work and stay with me. She introduced all her students to me. I looked up to and confided in her. I would not have been able to go through it all without her love and guidance.
Slowly, life in secondary school got easier. I met a few good friends from the upper levels. I took part in Track & Field for extra-curricular activities and made it a point to be part of every event. I was always the last to finish the 2.4 km run. I tried every game in the school. I tried gymnastics as well during the physical education (P.E.) lessons. It was hard but I tried to do every single exercise. My P.E. teacher would always let me try the exercises, while taking care I did not get hurt. Once I played rugby and the ball hit me. My eye turned a deep shade of blue and black. It was painful but I enjoyed the game so much that I did not mind looking like a panda for a whole week.
I did not get to play those games in the special school. It was a great experience for me. I used to be protected in the special school, but in St Hilda’s, the environment was totally different. I was treated like a normal pupil. That was what I wanted.
During my second year, I was posted to the Normal stream because the pace of studies in the Express stream was too fast for me. It was also that year when my mum’s condition got worse. She was very weak and could not even sit on the wheelchair. She had to lie in bed all the time. She had to be fed by a tube inserted through her nose. We had to prepare and feed her a special powder soya bean mixture every three hours.
During the day, Siew Hwa would come to take care of mum. She would only go home when one of us got home. She had three children who needed her care too. Her husband was an odd job worker and didn’t earn very much. They were not well to do so my dad helped them by buying food for the children. I would rush home once school was over to take over from Siew Hwa.
My dad was a hardworking man. He had to work two jobs a day to keep the family going and he literally worked day and night. He worked in a HDB estate as a cleaner from 4.30 a.m. to noon. Then he would go to the market to buy food for us, before heading to the airport to work as a cleaner there from 2 p.m, until midnight. He would only get home at one in the morning.
It was tough for us at night because my mum would start moaning and crying. We did not know why but we guessed she must have been in pain. Sometimes she cried because her diapers were wet. There were times when both Siew Eng and mum, who slept in the same room, woke up together. They would make a din the whole night. One would sing and clap very loudly and the other would cry and moan. It was very frustrating, and both dad and I would be at a loss when this happened. We had many sleepless nights, sometimes for three to five days at a time. Some days, my sister would be very violent. She would pull the tube out from my mum’s nose, or walk towards her bed and slap her.
I was surprised and angry when I witnessed these things happening. I did not know what to do. I could not beat Siew Eng for she did not know what she was doing. My dad had very little time for sleep, yet he was very caring. He took care of my mum whenever he was home. Many times, I cried while I was alone with them. I looked at them without knowing what to do. I wished desperately for a miracle to happen but to no avail. I was miserable and unhappy about what I had to face. I felt very pessimistic and wished I could end my life there and then.
But each time I thought of committing suicide, everyone that I loved and cared about came to my mind. God reminded me of those people. I stopped in my tracks. I had to pull through despite the unhappiness. I needed to help my parents and my friends before I could end my life. I had not achieved my dreams of graduating from a normal school. With all those reasons I continued to be strong and soldiered on.
I lived for the happy moments, such as when I went camping with my Track & Field teammates on Sentosa during our third year of secondary school. It was very fun and we had a great time. We played many games by the seaside and swam in the sea.
There were times when I had difficulty communicating but then I figured I had to face the problem. I was afraid to ask the teachers questions because I was worried that they might not understand me. I realized that it was my fear that was stopping me. Even though I knew it, I was often unable to overcome it. I knew I could not pull myself up if I let the fear swallow me. It took me a lot of courage to open my mouth to speak. Some teachers were impatient but most were very kind and understanding. Without Miss Yew and many other good teachers, I would not have graduated. It was their unfailing love and encouragement that helped me to pull through.
Four years went by really fast and I learnt a lot of things in that school. Having to cope with both family and studies, I grew stronger each time I faced a setback. I was happy to be able to go through a normal education. It was a great experience. I would not say it was a bed of roses, but it was definitely worth the ride.
Chapter Three
The Walls We Build
After my PSLE, I had a long break from school. I came across an advertisement in the newspaper, seeking students for part time jobs. At that time, it was common for students to do work part-time, selling items on the streets during their school holidays. I very much wanted to help lessen my dad’s burden, so I got some Christmas and New Year cards to sell. I managed to persuade some of my friends to do it with me. It was quite fun. We met a lot of strangers. I was very determined to earn money at that time so I worked very hard. We went to the busiest places in Singapore, from Raffles Place to Tanjong Pagar and Orchard Road, to name a few. I did that every day during my school holidays. During the mid-term holidays, I would sell other merchandise like T-shirts. Some customers were very friendly and supportive but others treated us like aliens.
Of course, the roads were not smooth every time. Sometimes, it was very tough and tiring to be working under the hot sun. I hated the rain because it always ruined our sales. But the important thing is I managed to earn some money. I gave some of it to my dad and kept some for my schoolbooks.
After graduating from St Hilda’s Secondary School, I decided to look for a job. It was very difficult then because employers were not open to accepting people with disabilities. I went for a few job interviews but was not given any opportunities. More often than not, I got stared at and scrutinized from head to toe. Once, I was already waiting to be interviewed, but ended up being turned away without any interview. I was totally at a loss at that time. I walked away saying to myself, ”Is this really fair? Don’t I deserve a chance too?” I was very sad and extremely disappointed.
I told myself not to give up and moved on. After many interviews, I finally found a job as a clerk and cleaner in a small local company that makes paint. My duties included preparing documents and handling faxes. I felt contented then because I finally got a job and could help my dad out a little. Unfortunately, the boss was quite unreasonable. Every morning, when he gave me instructions on work, he would add in words that hurt me a lot.
”You’d better work hard,” he said. “You are very lucky that I am willing to employ you. You think others will employ you?”
“I am very grateful to you,” I answered.
“I employed you because I pity you, you know,” he added.
Deep down inside I was crying. I wondered why he said that to me. I might be slow in speech but I worked hard. I had to drag myself to work. I was afraid to hear those hurtful words everyday but I needed the job. I worked for him for a year before I decided to quit. I was sure I could get a job as long as I was willing to work hard.
In Cold Storage
I found a job in Cold Storage after that, in 1996. I was very happy working at the fruits and vegetables department in the supermarket in Chancery Court. I felt motivated to work hard as my manager was very kind to me. I was given additional pay and a chance to prove myself. I was responsible for stacking and displaying the products and also serving customers. I was selected as the best employee year-on-year as I was very friendly to customers. I experienced great joy and fun while there.
Of course, there were some nasty customers occasionally. They would usually complain that the fruits and vegetables were not fresh. Others picked on the staff because they didn’t like us. Most of the customers were expatriates, and I even made friends with some of them.
I was given the excellent service award and although work was tough at times, the staff worked together as a team. As time passed, it got tougher because fewer and fewer people wanted to work there. Sometimes I had to unload many things without any help, and perform a lot of routine work. It got especially busy during the festive seasons. People would come rushing to shop for food and the vegetables and fruits would often run out. Day and night, I would be stacking up the food. I felt frustrated and very tired.
At the end of a long day at work, I had to rush home to look after my retarded sister. I had to clean up the mess that she created every day. My dad would go to the market to buy food and cook for us whenever he could. My mum had passed away the same year that I joined Cold Storage. For three years, we happy although life was tough.
Then, I received bad news. My dad had been complaining of pains in his chest. At first, he saw his company doctor, who said it was nothing serious. Finally the pain was so bad, he went to our family doctor and was referred to a specialist. Now that I had a stable income, I thought my dad could finally enjoy his life after enduring so many struggles. Never did I expect that he would suddenly fall very ill. Two weeks later, the results were out. He was diagnosed with lung cancer.
Again I questioned God, “Why did you let it happen to my dad? Why me?” Words just failed me. I was unable to express the fear and helplessness that had gripped my heart.
My eldest sister and I accompanied dad to the Singapore General Hospital. I could not cry aloud as I did not want to show just how weak I felt then. I comforted him by saying he would be fine and it was not as bad as he thought. But I could tell the pain was unbearable for my dad. It was like having many needles poking his lungs. Soon he lost a lot of weight. My sisters and I were all very sad for him. It was not a good feeling to watch a loved one go through so much suffering.
One day, after his therapy, my dad suffered a mental break down. I could really tell he was in great pain that day. He went to the kitchen and tried to take a knife from the drawer to kill himself. We were all very shocked. Luckily, my brother-in-law acted quickly and snatched the knife away. But we could not hold him down.
”I want to die! Let me die!” said my dad. ”I don’t want to be a burden!”
We were all stunned after hearing those words. Tears just flowed from my eyes. He pushed all of us out of the way and rushed out of the house. He acted like a wild animal being chased by its predator. We were all horrified. “The aunties and uncles from hell are waiting for me outside!” he said. We ran after him and chased him down. After a long struggle, he fell. We then helped him up and brought him home. We were all so tired out that day. Many times I wished Da Ge could be there for us.
From then on, we had to keep all the knives out of my dad’s sight. I wished I could take his place. He was such a good dad. He used to stay up late to wait for me to return after work on the night shift. He would warm up the food for me. He still did that during the first stage of his cancer. But the cancer cells spread real fast. He could not sleep well and soon he started to lose his hair. He lost his spirit after the first six months of fighting for his life. Oh Yong Hor passed away after eight months of immense suffering, in 1998. It was regrettable that we could not find my brother to pay a last visit to my dad. I miss him a lot. It took me several months to get over my grief. Sometimes, I still wish he could be here with me. But I had to move on with life.
After about seven years, an unfortunate accident brought my career at Cold Storage to an end. It happened on a particularly busy day. I was unloading goods from a tall trolley. That was the beginning of my nightmare. As I was unloading a box of vegetables, I heard a ‘click’ sound from my back. The next moment, I felt the pain. I then realized that I had hurt my back. The pain was unbearable. I was in tears. I was sent to a clinic and given sick leave for two weeks.
I had a slipped disc. The doctor said I was lucky as it could have been much worse. He advised me to stop carrying heavy things as further injury may lead to paralysis. After much consideration, I decided to quit the job. It was a great internal struggle to make this decision. I was worried that I might not get another job and I also could not bear to leave my customers who had become friends. But I realized my health was much more valuable and I did not want to be a burden to anyone should something happen to me.
Out In The World Again
After I left Cold Storage, I felt lost and depressed. I knew that I needed to start all over again. I went for interview after interview, but did not seem to be making any progress at all. I was living day by day without a job. Money was running low in the bank and I got worried and depressed. I didn’t have much savings to begin with. I had loaned some money to my second sister, Siew Hwa, when I was working in Cold Storage. She needed the money badly so I lent it to her. But it was tough for me. I had to skip meals in order to survive.
I recall an incident when I went for an interview in one of the supermarkets in Singapore. I emailed my resume to the company and waited for a week. I was happy when I finally received a call to go for an interview. I went with the same fear – that they may not understand me when I talked. I guess my greatest fear was talking to people whom I have never met before. But I had to go for it.
I approached the information counter and told the woman manning it that I was there for an interview. With a surprised looked on her face, she directed me to the office. The moment I entered the office, I could feel the strange looks I was being given. I went up to the clerk in the front row and told her someone had called me for an interview. She seemed surprised and said I had made a mistake as no one could have called me for an interview. I asked if she could check who had called me, and she got quite annoyed. She said, “I am sure that you make a mistake because you can not work here.” I was puzzled and repeated my request: “Can you please check for me?”
Her reply: “You are disabled. I think you are not fit to work here. YOU CANNOT WORK. Please leave. There is no job for you.”
I was hurt and angry but I kept quiet for a few minutes. I stood firm and said I would not leave unless she checked with the managers. My tone had changed but I was not rude to her. I told her the name of the person who called me. She then had no choice but to check with the manager. She asked me to take a seat and wait. When she came back, she directed me to the office with a smile. The interview went smoothly. When it ended, I thanked her for letting me in. I did not get the job, but at least I was given a chance to be interviewed. That incident left me a deep impression of how shallow people can be, judging others by looks and the way they speak. It saddens me to see this happening. I felt it was unfair. If only people can be aware that disabled people have feelings too and are able to work if given a chance to do so.
It is very important for me to stay employed. That incident taught me to be persistent and stand firm if I thought I was doing the right thing. I might feel humiliated and upset but I needed to survive on my own. It was clear in my mind that I could not go back to the helpless mode and self-pity again. Still, I felt lost at times while I continued to look for jobs.
But God had ways to bless me. Within six months, I found a job in a wet market through a job placement center. I was very happy. I thought my new boss would be very kind. I worked as a trainee florist from 6 am to about 5 pm. I learnt how to arrange flowers and I got to know many customers within a few months. I was very well known in the market for being warm and friendly. My boss knew that, so he told everyone that the shop was mine. I was very surprised and not very happy.
One morning a very kind woman came and asked me, “Is this your shop?”
I was shocked. “No, it’s not mine, of course. Ha-ha!” I laughed. “Who said that?”
”That guy who’s with you in the morning most of the time, “ she answered.
I didn’t like to lie so I told her the truth. I asked my boss later why he had lied and he said it was so that people would buy from me. I hated that. He scolded me for “talking nonsense” to the customers. I did not want to be a hypocrite so every time a customer asked me, I would just reply honestly. My boss was a controller. He would pass nasty and hurtful remarks about me as and when he wanted. I was very depressed and sad working there. I had to drag myself to work all the time.
I lost sight of my purpose and my energy for life ebbed as the days went by. I was very lucky I had some friends who went through the tough times with me and encouraged me. They asked me why I forced myself to work for a person who did not respect me. Therefore, I quit after a year and helped at my friend’s antique shop for a while.
I knew, though, that I needed to do something for myself. It was always a dream for me to start my own business. With encouragement, from Ming, a Cold Storage customer who became one of my closest friends, I plucked up enough courage to set up a small business selling products from a pushcart.
Before I started, I scouted around for products and a suitable place. It was very tough doing business alone. I was a greenhorn. I faced many rejections along the way. It was especially hard to find suppliers. Some of them judged me as soon as they saw me. Some had no patience to hear me out, as I was slow and unclear in speaking. They doubted I could do it. I was then determined to see to it that my dream came true. After a long search, I finally found a few suppliers who agreed to work with me. I also went to many shopping malls to check out the rental rates for pushcarts.
I was very scared initially as I was worried that people might not understand me. It was my fear again as you can see. My first attempt failed because I was so nervous. I could not speak on the spot. I knew I needed to overcome that. I told myself, “You can do it.” I realized that the more I feared, the worse it would get. There were many times I wanted to give up. But I didn’t because I had a group of good friends who supported me with encouragement.
Whenever I went to the office of each shopping mall, I would pray and ask God for help. I prepared a written text of the questions I wanted to ask. I would not take out the piece of paper unnecessarily because I wanted to train myself. I felt really good when I managed to get the other party to listen and understand me. I was amazed myself. I would not have dared to do such a thing in the past. I had never gone so far in overcoming my fear. I finally found a place in the central business district, in China Square, to set up my pushcart business. It was the best rate I could find.
It was a great experience. I managed it on my own and got all the supplies by myself. I met a friend, Kal, who helped me to get some good merchandise. She was not a supplier but she knew where to get the products. Unfortunately, my business only lasted a year as it was badly affected by the economic crisis and SARS. Though it did not work out as successfully as I dreamt, I felt satisfied that I had at least given my best.
I am currently working as a clerk in a renovations company, handling accounts, data entry and filing. I need to continue working so that I can stay independent and not be a burden to anyone. I want to be a contributor to this society and my country too.
So I thought this was very touching and would like everyone else to have a read of this book when it comes out.
Chapter One
Within Four Walls
I lived in an old attap house in a small kampong near Changi Village when I was young. I was born with cerebral palsy. I have always suspected that this was due to an unsuccessful attempt by my mum to abort me. But I have never been able to find out for sure.
I am the youngest in the family. I have three elder sisters and a brother. My second sister, Siew Hwa, who is nine years older than me, married when she was still very young, at the age of 17. My brother-in-law’s mother didn’t like my sister so they had to move out after staying with her husband’s family for a year. She and her husband then came to live with us. As for my eldest sister, Siew Gweek, she was already working when I was a child. She is 12 years older than me. She started working at a very young age so that she could help ease my dad’s burden. My brother, the eldest of the siblings, was then serving his last year of National Service. Da Ge is 15 years my senior.
In my family, love was not shown. So as I grew up, I never knew how to show love and never felt like I received any love.
During those times, we lived with our grandmother, who was more than 60 years old then. She and my mum both doted on my brother. They both loved him very much and whenever he came back home from camp, they would cook the best food for him. They would reserve the chicken drumstick and his favorite dishes for him. I was only eight then but I remember being very jealous. I felt like Cinderella who was being ill-treated by her stepmother and stepsisters.
“That is unfair!” I protested and Mum would scold me. “What is unfair? Your brother needs a lot of nutrition,” she said. Then she would go on, but I did not really understand what she was saying. Sometimes, I would steal food from the table and hide in a corner to eat. I guess I was very mischievous at that time. My mum would get upset and beat me for being greedy. I was very sad and heart broken that my own mother would treat me like that.
At the age of six, my third sister, Siew Eng, had a high fever when she was left under the care of an aunt. It was then that tragedy struck. No one knew she was in the throes of a high fever that never broke. The fever consumed her hope of a normal life. My parents were devastated when they found out she had become mentally retarded. From then on, she needed extra care. This became an additional burden on my dad. I was just born then. Siew Eng is six years older than me. I remember she would make a lot of funny noises when she was at home. She would sometimes be naked, and lost in her own fantasy world. She could not bathe herself nor make food for herself. We always had to make sure there was food at home before we went out.
Kampong Memories
My dad, Oh Yong Hor, was a basket weaver then and my family was poor. My village was famous for rearing pigs, ducks, chicken and fishes. It took 30 minutes to walk from the main road to the village, and there were very few lampposts along the road. The farmers needed baskets for their poultry. Dad would go around taking orders for his hand-made baskets. He also reared pigs, ducks and chickens at home for sale. That was how he kept my family going.
As a special child, I always stayed by my dad’s side while he weaved the cane baskets. I would play with the canes and make a mess of them. My dad never screamed at me. While he worked, I would learn how to walk and talk alone in the open space next to my house.
I would often have bruises all over my legs when I was practicing walking. My dad was a chain smoker. He smoked while he was weaving the baskets, leaving the cigarette butts on the ground. There were many times, as I was playing near my dad, that I would get either my feet or my bottom burnt by the cigarette butts. I would then cry out loud.
“What happened?” my dad asked anxiously. ”Pain! My feet got burnt!” I cried. He did not understand what I was trying to say at first. I was crying and making a big fuss over my feet. Then, suddenly, I had a brainwave. I lifted my foot up and showed it to him. He then understood me.” Ha! Ha!” he laughed at me. “I have told you many times, don’t come near me when I am working,” he said. I continued to cry. My dad had no choice but to stop what he was doing. He carried me and applied some Colgate toothpaste on my wound before continuing his work. I stopped crying after a while. Being mischievous, I resumed my “cane game” and messed up my dad‘s weaving materials again.
I was very slow in walking and also in speech. I did not have friends as not many children in the village wanted to play with me. I struggled with this throughout my childhood. They stared at me and mocked me when they saw me on the street. Some would make fun of the way I walk, as I would fall like Humpty Dumpty. Some would imitate and laugh at the way I talk. I was afraid to go out and even to talk to people. It was not a good feeling at all when that happened. Most of the time my parents were busy so I would be left alone. My only adventure was to play with the animals. Sometimes, I would go around the village searching for lost chicks or ducklings.
I remember one incident very clearly. One fine afternoon, I was coming home from the market with my dad. I was riding with him on his bicycle and suddenly, out of the bushes there appeared a hen with a few chicks behind it. I immediately asked my dad to stop the bicycle. ”Papa, stop the bicycle. I want to walk home by myself,” I said with a big smile.
Quickly hopping down, I waved goodbye to my dad as he cycled away. “Yoo hoo!” I screamed and ran straight into the bushes and started looking for the chicks. I ran fast and fell many times but I did not realize my leg was bleeding. I guess I was going all out to look for my dear chicks. All I wanted was to bring them home so that I could play with them. I was very determined and only thought about how much I wanted to be with them
I heard a chirping sound towards the far end of the bushes. My heart beat faster as the sound drew nearer. I laughed with joy when I caught one. I felt very happy that day. I went home and secretly hid the little chick in my room. The next day the owner came looking for the chick. I had to return it to him. He had seen me when I was chasing the chicks. I was sad and my dad was very angry. He reprimanded me. I knew I was wrong but I was young and playful, just like the other children.
I never brought chickens home again, but animals were still my best mates. I loved animals, especially the babies. Often, I would secretly go into our farm to play with the geese. ”Oh no!” They started chasing me once they saw me. I was so scared. I screamed and yelled, ”Help!” It was only after half an hour, that my mum came to my rescue. She scolded me. She didn’t know I was hurt. I did not dare to tell her that the goose bit me. The pain was unbearable and I had big bruises on my knees. I kept falling as I was running. My legs were very weak then.
At the age of nine, I got a deep cut while I was trying to catch some wild chicks. There was a lot of blood on my leg, but I did not tell my parents. I knew that if I told them, they would nag at me. I dressed my leg myself and let it heal by itself. It took two weeks for the wound to heal completely. I loved adventure. Although I was weak since birth, I never liked to be treated differently. I practiced walking from the day I took my first step. I would fall many times. My legs were always full of bruises. I started gaining confidence each time I got up after falling. I was determined to lead a normal life like many children did.
There were a few fruit trees near my house. Climbing trees and eating the fruits on the top of the branches was one of the most exciting things to do. I would ask my second sister, Siew Hwa, to help me and together we would enjoy the fresh rambutans from the tree.
Kampong life was very carefree. It was fun and I felt happy. At the age of eight, I enjoyed every adventure I had with blissful ignorance. There were some unforgettable memories, especially when it rained. My house was at the bottom of the hill. When it rained, the rainwater would flow downhill. We’d be thrilled when the dogs started barking at the big fishes in the drain right outside the house. The rainwater had caused the fishpond further uphill to overflow. Siew Eng and I would wade into the rainwater to catch the fishes alongside our two dogs, Bobby and Xiao Bai. After the rain, we would go to the riverside to catch more fish.
Kampong Life Ended; Tough Times Began
Sometime in the year 1980, the Housing Development Board took over the land my kampong was on to build flats. My dad knew that if we planted many fruit trees, we would get more money in compensation. He did that and was paid a huge sum of money.
We had to leave the kampong and move into a HDB apartment in Tampines. But we were all very happy then as we thought the new environment would be cleaner and more hygienic. At the same time, it was sad to leave the village too. It was my home, and I had a fair share of both good and bad memories there.
Life should have been better, with the compensation money and a new home. Unfortunately, I had a brother who was very ambitious. He always wanted to earn a lot of money. Back in the village, he mixed with bad company. I wasn’t sure when he started to gamble. All I knew was that whenever he came home, it was with the intention of borrowing money from one of us, usually from my mum and dad. They doted on my brother a lot. I guess that was natural as he was their only son.
My mum earned a small income washing clothes for some of the villagers and dad gave her some money for housekeeping. She gave them to Da Ge whenever he asked. She would even empty my savings box and give him all the money in it. That was my pocket money from my dad, which he gave to me every day for school. I didn’t eat so I could save the money but it was gone when I came home from school one day. I felt mad and sad. I had no rights at home, being the youngest.
My brother got married and had two kids. He was not a responsible husband and dad to his family. My dad took on the burden of helping his family. His wife once wanted to divorce him but in the end, she did not have the heart to do so. I guess she still loved him. I felt sorry for her because she had to raise two young children by herself. It was not easy. Ever since my brother started gambling, there was always chaos at home.
There was one incident that made a great impact on me. My brother was home for dinner and he wanted to borrow a huge sum of money from my dad. He knew that my dad had savings and at the same time had just received the compensation money from HDB. My dad refused because it was too large a sum. Suddenly, my brother got mad. He banged his fist on the table loudly. I was so scared I ran into my room and hid under my bed. From there, I heard every single word that they exchanged. There was vulgar language. My brother was really out of his mind. He wanted to hit my dad. Everyone was crying and shouting at the same time. I rushed out from under the bed to stop Da Ge. I pushed my way through between him and my dad, and separated them. They stopped fighting but the situation was so tense that my neighbors had to come to help mediate. We were all overwhelmed by the fear and helplessness. I was so horrified and downcast that night I could not sleep. The frightening scene kept playing itself out in my mind.
I felt sad for my parents. In the end, my brother left the house. The next morning he came home again. Being a softhearted man, my dad gave him the money and helped him to clear his debts. But that was just the beginning of a horrible nightmare. My brother did not learn his lesson and in his greed, sunk deeper into the addiction of gambling. He got himself into more debt and subsequently even borrowed money from loan sharks.
From then on my house was no longer peaceful. There were loan sharks banging on our door all the time. It was a harrowing experience, to have two gangsters shouting outside the door for my brother. I was terrified and opened the door slowly. My hands felt cold and I was shivering. I opened the door just a crack and peeped through. ”He is no longer staying here!” I said, trembling. The men then said, ”You better ask him to be careful and ask him to pay the debt of $10,000 or else he will be dead!” They left eventually, but not before making a mess outside my home. I shut the door immediately, then bolted, and locked it. Only my mum and I were at home then.
These incidents lasted until we moved into our new apartment. The tough times were beginning. Our apartment was not fully paid for yet and my dad had given most of his money to Da Ge. In the end, my eldest sister, Siew Gweek had to pay for the new apartment with money from her Central Provident Fund account.
I can only imagine how she must have felt having to shoulder the family’s financial burden while my brother squandered whatever little we had. They had a showdown one day, when he came to ask for money again. She was at home while my dad was out working. They sat down and chatted. All of a sudden, the sound of angry voices grew louder and they began to argue vehemently.
”You are inhuman! You took all of dad’s money and now you come here to ask for more!” screamed my sister.
“If I had a choice, I will never have to ask from you all!” replied my brother. “I have nowhere else to turn to! If I don’t pay them the money as soon as possible, they will kill me!”
“Dad has no money left! All his hard-earned money was taken by you!” shouted my sister.
I felt helpless. I was trying to think of how to make peace but before I could do anything, it happened and it was too late for me to stop it from happening. He hit her on the arm with a chair. From that day on, he left the house and disappeared from our lives. I hated him very much then. I told myself I would never forgive him. I have no such brother. I cried. I felt hurt. I used to love him so much. He has disappointed me and filled my heart with hatred. I felt like there was no love in my family.
Everything went wrong after we moved into the new apartment. Our grandmother fell very sick. Now we had to take care of both her and my third sister. It was tough. Though I was only 11 at that time, I tried my best to help out at home.
It was harder to take care of Siew Eng than my grandmother. She was quicker in her movements than I was. She liked to eat and she would stuff everything into her mouth. She would create a big mess in the house, throwing things around and out of her way when she felt like it. Sometimes, when she was not in a good mood, she would make a lot of noise with her hands and scream. When her temper became really bad, she would get very violent and throw things everywhere.
Sometimes, I felt very tired being where I was. I would ask God, “Why me? Why must I be in this home?” Sometimes, I felt like beating her, overwhelmed with frustration and anger when she got on my nerves. I would hate myself for having such evil thoughts after that. I felt so depressed and miserable at times. But I kept all my feelings to myself, as I didn’t want to add to my family’s troubles. I felt so heavily burdened and so terribly unloved.
After being bed ridden for three years, my grandmother, Sim Liap, passed away in 1985. It was a form of release for her and a tremendous relief for my family then. When she died, my brother was not there to help or pay his last respects.
Chapter Two
Beyond The Wall
Life became tougher as I grew older. I became more aware of what was happening around me, and as a result, became more self-conscious. I kept thinking about how others would think of and look at me. Even the four walls of my home could not shield me completely from discrimination.
Once, I was left alone at home and the phone rang. I had no choice but to answer. When I picked up the phone, I tried to speak as clearly as I could. The man on the other end sounded very impatient and asked if I was fooling around. “Are you mad? Are you a mute?” he said. He was just a stranger trying to sell something over the phone, but I still felt really hurt. He continued saying nasty things to me. After I hung up, I asked myself: “Do I have a choice being the way I am? Why was I born into this world?” I cried secretly, and not a single soul knew that I was hurting inside.
A New Beginning
At the age of seven, my mother sent me to school. She had a hard time looking for a school for me because I was a special child. Not a single normal school would accept me. Finally, a doctor from the Singapore General Hospital recommended the Spastic Children‘s Association School. I did not fully understand then why I was placed there.
At that school, I went for speech therapy and physiotherapy. I desperately wanted and was determined to improve. The school’s emphasis was on helping students take care of their own wellbeing rather than on their studies. So we were taught how to take care of ourselves. We learned to cook, sew and do some technical work. We also studied English, Mathematics and Science, but not second language.
It was a warm place because we had peace of mind being there. I felt protected and safe in that school and had some great times there. I was comfortable there because most of the students were alike. I guess we were in the same boat. Some had very severe disabilities; some were born deaf and dumb, and had to learn sign language. I was considered a ‘mild case’ by comparison. Some who had low mental faculties could not think for themselves. Others were physically handicapped. They couldn’t walk and talk.
I started making friends and we shared a strong bond. We helped one another when there was a lack of volunteers. There was a time when my friend needed to go to the toilet. She was born disabled. Her hands and legs are weak and she could not walk. But she had a very sweet voice that could charm a lot of people. There was no one around to help her. So another friend and myself pushed her to the toilet. I carried her by the arms and managed to help her relieve herself. It was quite fun but it was also dangerous. I almost fell down. Thank God it was just a close shave. I did not give it too much thought when I decided to help her. I just did it. But from then on, I was very careful each time I helped my friends who were wheelchair-bound. It was a loving and caring environment. The world outside, in comparison, was very cruel and harsh.
I was slow in my studies at times but I was determined to succeed. When my principal told us that she was looking for suitable candidates to sit for the Primary School Leaving Examinations (PSLE), I was hopeful. At that time, I was a newly converted Christian. I prayed to God to grant me my wish. I was thrilled to be picked. But one of the teachers said I was below the required standard. True enough, my Math and Science were only at Primary Four standard then. Two other classmates were also short listed as candidates. I told myself, “I will make it no matter what I need to do or how hard I need to work.” I told my principal I wanted to give it a shot. I was as relentless as the rain in a thunderstorm.
All I needed was someone who believed in me. And I was blessed because there was someone - a teacher named Miss Wong. She looked very fierce but deep within, she had a heart of gold. She was teaching in a sign language class. When she heard that we were taking the examinations, she offered to give us extra lessons. She went all the way to help the students, especially me, as I was way below the standard. She was patient and kind. Week after week for months, she tutored us and prepared examination papers from the previous years for us to practice. I also stayed up late to study every night.
I prayed all the time and I cried often as I confided in one of the brothers from church, because I was very stressed having to cope with the demands of looking after my family and attending to my studies at the same time.
Challenge
When I was at home, I had to take care of my mum. She developed a skin disease. The skin on her right leg was peeling off and it got infected. The wound grew bigger and the tissues could not heal. We had to take her to the hospital regularly. At one time, the hospital was just like our second home. This went on for years. We took her to many doctors but they could not help. Her condition deteriorated to a state where even her bone could be seen. Finally, we had no other choice but to have her leg amputated. She became wheelchair-bound. We could not afford a wheel chair so the church bought one for us. We had spent a lot of money on the medical bills. My second sister would occasionally come and help us out when my dad and I were out.
My mum was a very stubborn woman. She was strong-headed and refused to listen to us. She became very depressed and made herself miserable. She refused to exercise and very soon her condition got worse. Her body became stiffer and weaker, and she needed more and more assistance from us. After a few months, the amputated leg was infected again. My dad and I had to take turns to care for her.
On top of that, we still had to see to my retarded sister. Living in her own world, Siew Eng didn’t care much about what was happening around her. All she wanted was food and drink. She would throw unwanted food all over the place. Every time that happened, I would start to indulge in self-pity and be in a miserable state. I would start to question God. Many times I wished that I would be ‘carefree’ like Siew Eng. Deep down inside, I knew I was wrong to think this way. I knew I needed to be strong. I would not let anything stop me from achieving my dream.
Finally, after seven months, the day arrived. I was so nervous I broke out in a cold sweat. I went to the examination hall not knowing what to expect. All I knew was that I wanted to pass that examination. “God please help me to remember all that I learned and studied,” I prayed.
After a few months, the results were out. I was called to the principal’s office. At that moment, my heart was beating very fast, just like the ticking of the clock. As I sat down in front of the principal, my hands felt as cold as ice.
“Gal! Guess what!” asked the principal.
“I failed huh?” I replied. I was already feeling sad.
“Well! You made it my gal!” I could not believe my ears.
”What? Oh God! REALLY?” I was so shocked. My heart filled with joy and tears just flowed from my eyes.
I went to my class and told everyone my happy news. I also called my brother in church who had been praying for me. That night, I could not sleep. I was so thankful to God. If not for Him I would not have passed. I was also thankful to Miss Wong who had believed in me and given me all her time and patience. It was so amazing for me to pass the examination because initially, my standard was way below the required level. I was the only one to pass and gain entry into a normal secondary school. My two friends who also took the examination did not make it. One of them tried again the following year. I was very happy. At that time, I was only the second student from the Spastic Children’s Association School to pass the PSLE.
It was my dream to study in a normal school. I wanted to prove that people with disabilities could also do what they want. We should have dreams too. It all starts with a dream. Without dreams, life is meaningless.
A ‘Normal’ School
I was posted to St Hilda’s Secondary School. With my results, I was able to go to the Express stream. The principal, Mrs. Abraham, was a kind and understanding lady whom all the students loved.
On the first day, I was plunged into a totally different environment from what I was accustomed to. I was, as usual, the centre of attraction, being the only disabled student in that school. Some students stared hard at me; others stared as if in thought; some just looked and started laughing. I was scared and shivering in fear from being in a strange place. In the classroom, there was an ice-breaking session to get to know one another. I was worried as it was going to be my turn soon. My hands turned cold and I was tongue-tied. I stood up and introduced myself.
“Ah……...my … name is … Siew May,” I stammered, knowing that no one would understand me. I tried so hard. I felt so useless at that moment.
My teacher helped to explain what I was saying to the class. After the introductions, everyone started to talk to one another, except for me. I was left all alone. At that very moment, I felt coldness within my heart. I suddenly felt so lonely. I wondered if I made the right choice to come to a secondary school. Soon it was break time. Everyone had friends to accompany them to the canteen. Again, I was left alone. At the canteen, I was lost. I saw a classmate walking by, so I thought I would take the first step to make friends.
“Hi!” I said. He ran away. As he ran, he made fun of me: “Alien! Ghost!”
I felt a cutting pain in my heart. I asked myself: “Am I really an alien?” Self-pity and fear soon seized my heart. I ran to the washroom, hid inside and cried. I told myself I must be strong. That day I went home and cried secretly to myself. I did not want to worry my family and had to pretend as though nothing happened in school. I still had to take care of both my mum and sister. The next few days I dragged myself to school. I would not give up so easily. I would make extra effort to be friends with them.
I found a friend in Miss Sarah Yew. She was my best friend and teacher at St. Hilda’s Secondary School. She had a gentle, soft voice and was very friendly and kind. She said to me, ”When you need help, come and look for me.” At any time whenever life in school was tough, she was there, as a friend and listener. She would make time for me after work and stay with me. She introduced all her students to me. I looked up to and confided in her. I would not have been able to go through it all without her love and guidance.
Slowly, life in secondary school got easier. I met a few good friends from the upper levels. I took part in Track & Field for extra-curricular activities and made it a point to be part of every event. I was always the last to finish the 2.4 km run. I tried every game in the school. I tried gymnastics as well during the physical education (P.E.) lessons. It was hard but I tried to do every single exercise. My P.E. teacher would always let me try the exercises, while taking care I did not get hurt. Once I played rugby and the ball hit me. My eye turned a deep shade of blue and black. It was painful but I enjoyed the game so much that I did not mind looking like a panda for a whole week.
I did not get to play those games in the special school. It was a great experience for me. I used to be protected in the special school, but in St Hilda’s, the environment was totally different. I was treated like a normal pupil. That was what I wanted.
During my second year, I was posted to the Normal stream because the pace of studies in the Express stream was too fast for me. It was also that year when my mum’s condition got worse. She was very weak and could not even sit on the wheelchair. She had to lie in bed all the time. She had to be fed by a tube inserted through her nose. We had to prepare and feed her a special powder soya bean mixture every three hours.
During the day, Siew Hwa would come to take care of mum. She would only go home when one of us got home. She had three children who needed her care too. Her husband was an odd job worker and didn’t earn very much. They were not well to do so my dad helped them by buying food for the children. I would rush home once school was over to take over from Siew Hwa.
My dad was a hardworking man. He had to work two jobs a day to keep the family going and he literally worked day and night. He worked in a HDB estate as a cleaner from 4.30 a.m. to noon. Then he would go to the market to buy food for us, before heading to the airport to work as a cleaner there from 2 p.m, until midnight. He would only get home at one in the morning.
It was tough for us at night because my mum would start moaning and crying. We did not know why but we guessed she must have been in pain. Sometimes she cried because her diapers were wet. There were times when both Siew Eng and mum, who slept in the same room, woke up together. They would make a din the whole night. One would sing and clap very loudly and the other would cry and moan. It was very frustrating, and both dad and I would be at a loss when this happened. We had many sleepless nights, sometimes for three to five days at a time. Some days, my sister would be very violent. She would pull the tube out from my mum’s nose, or walk towards her bed and slap her.
I was surprised and angry when I witnessed these things happening. I did not know what to do. I could not beat Siew Eng for she did not know what she was doing. My dad had very little time for sleep, yet he was very caring. He took care of my mum whenever he was home. Many times, I cried while I was alone with them. I looked at them without knowing what to do. I wished desperately for a miracle to happen but to no avail. I was miserable and unhappy about what I had to face. I felt very pessimistic and wished I could end my life there and then.
But each time I thought of committing suicide, everyone that I loved and cared about came to my mind. God reminded me of those people. I stopped in my tracks. I had to pull through despite the unhappiness. I needed to help my parents and my friends before I could end my life. I had not achieved my dreams of graduating from a normal school. With all those reasons I continued to be strong and soldiered on.
I lived for the happy moments, such as when I went camping with my Track & Field teammates on Sentosa during our third year of secondary school. It was very fun and we had a great time. We played many games by the seaside and swam in the sea.
There were times when I had difficulty communicating but then I figured I had to face the problem. I was afraid to ask the teachers questions because I was worried that they might not understand me. I realized that it was my fear that was stopping me. Even though I knew it, I was often unable to overcome it. I knew I could not pull myself up if I let the fear swallow me. It took me a lot of courage to open my mouth to speak. Some teachers were impatient but most were very kind and understanding. Without Miss Yew and many other good teachers, I would not have graduated. It was their unfailing love and encouragement that helped me to pull through.
Four years went by really fast and I learnt a lot of things in that school. Having to cope with both family and studies, I grew stronger each time I faced a setback. I was happy to be able to go through a normal education. It was a great experience. I would not say it was a bed of roses, but it was definitely worth the ride.
Chapter Three
The Walls We Build
After my PSLE, I had a long break from school. I came across an advertisement in the newspaper, seeking students for part time jobs. At that time, it was common for students to do work part-time, selling items on the streets during their school holidays. I very much wanted to help lessen my dad’s burden, so I got some Christmas and New Year cards to sell. I managed to persuade some of my friends to do it with me. It was quite fun. We met a lot of strangers. I was very determined to earn money at that time so I worked very hard. We went to the busiest places in Singapore, from Raffles Place to Tanjong Pagar and Orchard Road, to name a few. I did that every day during my school holidays. During the mid-term holidays, I would sell other merchandise like T-shirts. Some customers were very friendly and supportive but others treated us like aliens.
Of course, the roads were not smooth every time. Sometimes, it was very tough and tiring to be working under the hot sun. I hated the rain because it always ruined our sales. But the important thing is I managed to earn some money. I gave some of it to my dad and kept some for my schoolbooks.
After graduating from St Hilda’s Secondary School, I decided to look for a job. It was very difficult then because employers were not open to accepting people with disabilities. I went for a few job interviews but was not given any opportunities. More often than not, I got stared at and scrutinized from head to toe. Once, I was already waiting to be interviewed, but ended up being turned away without any interview. I was totally at a loss at that time. I walked away saying to myself, ”Is this really fair? Don’t I deserve a chance too?” I was very sad and extremely disappointed.
I told myself not to give up and moved on. After many interviews, I finally found a job as a clerk and cleaner in a small local company that makes paint. My duties included preparing documents and handling faxes. I felt contented then because I finally got a job and could help my dad out a little. Unfortunately, the boss was quite unreasonable. Every morning, when he gave me instructions on work, he would add in words that hurt me a lot.
”You’d better work hard,” he said. “You are very lucky that I am willing to employ you. You think others will employ you?”
“I am very grateful to you,” I answered.
“I employed you because I pity you, you know,” he added.
Deep down inside I was crying. I wondered why he said that to me. I might be slow in speech but I worked hard. I had to drag myself to work. I was afraid to hear those hurtful words everyday but I needed the job. I worked for him for a year before I decided to quit. I was sure I could get a job as long as I was willing to work hard.
In Cold Storage
I found a job in Cold Storage after that, in 1996. I was very happy working at the fruits and vegetables department in the supermarket in Chancery Court. I felt motivated to work hard as my manager was very kind to me. I was given additional pay and a chance to prove myself. I was responsible for stacking and displaying the products and also serving customers. I was selected as the best employee year-on-year as I was very friendly to customers. I experienced great joy and fun while there.
Of course, there were some nasty customers occasionally. They would usually complain that the fruits and vegetables were not fresh. Others picked on the staff because they didn’t like us. Most of the customers were expatriates, and I even made friends with some of them.
I was given the excellent service award and although work was tough at times, the staff worked together as a team. As time passed, it got tougher because fewer and fewer people wanted to work there. Sometimes I had to unload many things without any help, and perform a lot of routine work. It got especially busy during the festive seasons. People would come rushing to shop for food and the vegetables and fruits would often run out. Day and night, I would be stacking up the food. I felt frustrated and very tired.
At the end of a long day at work, I had to rush home to look after my retarded sister. I had to clean up the mess that she created every day. My dad would go to the market to buy food and cook for us whenever he could. My mum had passed away the same year that I joined Cold Storage. For three years, we happy although life was tough.
Then, I received bad news. My dad had been complaining of pains in his chest. At first, he saw his company doctor, who said it was nothing serious. Finally the pain was so bad, he went to our family doctor and was referred to a specialist. Now that I had a stable income, I thought my dad could finally enjoy his life after enduring so many struggles. Never did I expect that he would suddenly fall very ill. Two weeks later, the results were out. He was diagnosed with lung cancer.
Again I questioned God, “Why did you let it happen to my dad? Why me?” Words just failed me. I was unable to express the fear and helplessness that had gripped my heart.
My eldest sister and I accompanied dad to the Singapore General Hospital. I could not cry aloud as I did not want to show just how weak I felt then. I comforted him by saying he would be fine and it was not as bad as he thought. But I could tell the pain was unbearable for my dad. It was like having many needles poking his lungs. Soon he lost a lot of weight. My sisters and I were all very sad for him. It was not a good feeling to watch a loved one go through so much suffering.
One day, after his therapy, my dad suffered a mental break down. I could really tell he was in great pain that day. He went to the kitchen and tried to take a knife from the drawer to kill himself. We were all very shocked. Luckily, my brother-in-law acted quickly and snatched the knife away. But we could not hold him down.
”I want to die! Let me die!” said my dad. ”I don’t want to be a burden!”
We were all stunned after hearing those words. Tears just flowed from my eyes. He pushed all of us out of the way and rushed out of the house. He acted like a wild animal being chased by its predator. We were all horrified. “The aunties and uncles from hell are waiting for me outside!” he said. We ran after him and chased him down. After a long struggle, he fell. We then helped him up and brought him home. We were all so tired out that day. Many times I wished Da Ge could be there for us.
From then on, we had to keep all the knives out of my dad’s sight. I wished I could take his place. He was such a good dad. He used to stay up late to wait for me to return after work on the night shift. He would warm up the food for me. He still did that during the first stage of his cancer. But the cancer cells spread real fast. He could not sleep well and soon he started to lose his hair. He lost his spirit after the first six months of fighting for his life. Oh Yong Hor passed away after eight months of immense suffering, in 1998. It was regrettable that we could not find my brother to pay a last visit to my dad. I miss him a lot. It took me several months to get over my grief. Sometimes, I still wish he could be here with me. But I had to move on with life.
After about seven years, an unfortunate accident brought my career at Cold Storage to an end. It happened on a particularly busy day. I was unloading goods from a tall trolley. That was the beginning of my nightmare. As I was unloading a box of vegetables, I heard a ‘click’ sound from my back. The next moment, I felt the pain. I then realized that I had hurt my back. The pain was unbearable. I was in tears. I was sent to a clinic and given sick leave for two weeks.
I had a slipped disc. The doctor said I was lucky as it could have been much worse. He advised me to stop carrying heavy things as further injury may lead to paralysis. After much consideration, I decided to quit the job. It was a great internal struggle to make this decision. I was worried that I might not get another job and I also could not bear to leave my customers who had become friends. But I realized my health was much more valuable and I did not want to be a burden to anyone should something happen to me.
Out In The World Again
After I left Cold Storage, I felt lost and depressed. I knew that I needed to start all over again. I went for interview after interview, but did not seem to be making any progress at all. I was living day by day without a job. Money was running low in the bank and I got worried and depressed. I didn’t have much savings to begin with. I had loaned some money to my second sister, Siew Hwa, when I was working in Cold Storage. She needed the money badly so I lent it to her. But it was tough for me. I had to skip meals in order to survive.
I recall an incident when I went for an interview in one of the supermarkets in Singapore. I emailed my resume to the company and waited for a week. I was happy when I finally received a call to go for an interview. I went with the same fear – that they may not understand me when I talked. I guess my greatest fear was talking to people whom I have never met before. But I had to go for it.
I approached the information counter and told the woman manning it that I was there for an interview. With a surprised looked on her face, she directed me to the office. The moment I entered the office, I could feel the strange looks I was being given. I went up to the clerk in the front row and told her someone had called me for an interview. She seemed surprised and said I had made a mistake as no one could have called me for an interview. I asked if she could check who had called me, and she got quite annoyed. She said, “I am sure that you make a mistake because you can not work here.” I was puzzled and repeated my request: “Can you please check for me?”
Her reply: “You are disabled. I think you are not fit to work here. YOU CANNOT WORK. Please leave. There is no job for you.”
I was hurt and angry but I kept quiet for a few minutes. I stood firm and said I would not leave unless she checked with the managers. My tone had changed but I was not rude to her. I told her the name of the person who called me. She then had no choice but to check with the manager. She asked me to take a seat and wait. When she came back, she directed me to the office with a smile. The interview went smoothly. When it ended, I thanked her for letting me in. I did not get the job, but at least I was given a chance to be interviewed. That incident left me a deep impression of how shallow people can be, judging others by looks and the way they speak. It saddens me to see this happening. I felt it was unfair. If only people can be aware that disabled people have feelings too and are able to work if given a chance to do so.
It is very important for me to stay employed. That incident taught me to be persistent and stand firm if I thought I was doing the right thing. I might feel humiliated and upset but I needed to survive on my own. It was clear in my mind that I could not go back to the helpless mode and self-pity again. Still, I felt lost at times while I continued to look for jobs.
But God had ways to bless me. Within six months, I found a job in a wet market through a job placement center. I was very happy. I thought my new boss would be very kind. I worked as a trainee florist from 6 am to about 5 pm. I learnt how to arrange flowers and I got to know many customers within a few months. I was very well known in the market for being warm and friendly. My boss knew that, so he told everyone that the shop was mine. I was very surprised and not very happy.
One morning a very kind woman came and asked me, “Is this your shop?”
I was shocked. “No, it’s not mine, of course. Ha-ha!” I laughed. “Who said that?”
”That guy who’s with you in the morning most of the time, “ she answered.
I didn’t like to lie so I told her the truth. I asked my boss later why he had lied and he said it was so that people would buy from me. I hated that. He scolded me for “talking nonsense” to the customers. I did not want to be a hypocrite so every time a customer asked me, I would just reply honestly. My boss was a controller. He would pass nasty and hurtful remarks about me as and when he wanted. I was very depressed and sad working there. I had to drag myself to work all the time.
I lost sight of my purpose and my energy for life ebbed as the days went by. I was very lucky I had some friends who went through the tough times with me and encouraged me. They asked me why I forced myself to work for a person who did not respect me. Therefore, I quit after a year and helped at my friend’s antique shop for a while.
I knew, though, that I needed to do something for myself. It was always a dream for me to start my own business. With encouragement, from Ming, a Cold Storage customer who became one of my closest friends, I plucked up enough courage to set up a small business selling products from a pushcart.
Before I started, I scouted around for products and a suitable place. It was very tough doing business alone. I was a greenhorn. I faced many rejections along the way. It was especially hard to find suppliers. Some of them judged me as soon as they saw me. Some had no patience to hear me out, as I was slow and unclear in speaking. They doubted I could do it. I was then determined to see to it that my dream came true. After a long search, I finally found a few suppliers who agreed to work with me. I also went to many shopping malls to check out the rental rates for pushcarts.
I was very scared initially as I was worried that people might not understand me. It was my fear again as you can see. My first attempt failed because I was so nervous. I could not speak on the spot. I knew I needed to overcome that. I told myself, “You can do it.” I realized that the more I feared, the worse it would get. There were many times I wanted to give up. But I didn’t because I had a group of good friends who supported me with encouragement.
Whenever I went to the office of each shopping mall, I would pray and ask God for help. I prepared a written text of the questions I wanted to ask. I would not take out the piece of paper unnecessarily because I wanted to train myself. I felt really good when I managed to get the other party to listen and understand me. I was amazed myself. I would not have dared to do such a thing in the past. I had never gone so far in overcoming my fear. I finally found a place in the central business district, in China Square, to set up my pushcart business. It was the best rate I could find.
It was a great experience. I managed it on my own and got all the supplies by myself. I met a friend, Kal, who helped me to get some good merchandise. She was not a supplier but she knew where to get the products. Unfortunately, my business only lasted a year as it was badly affected by the economic crisis and SARS. Though it did not work out as successfully as I dreamt, I felt satisfied that I had at least given my best.
I am currently working as a clerk in a renovations company, handling accounts, data entry and filing. I need to continue working so that I can stay independent and not be a burden to anyone. I want to be a contributor to this society and my country too.
So I thought this was very touching and would like everyone else to have a read of this book when it comes out.
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